Biggest SUPRISE of our LIFE!

October 28, 2011

We found out on October 7th that we are expecting another baby!  With all of the joy, came a whole lot of fear and anxiety.  The last time we traveled down this road, it ended without a baby.  We were cautiously optimistic but decided to keep our new discovery to ourselves until we felt this was a sure thing, all the while knowing, pregnancy never really IS a sure thing.  Anyways, after a call to my dr, it was determined that I would come in to get my HCG measured.  He explained that I would get my blood drawn every other day for 6 days and we'd measure the levels to make sure they were doubling as they should.  I went in for the first bloodwork draw and nervously awaited the results.  My numbers came back at 133.9 (at 11dpo).  The dr didn't say much about this number and reminded me its the doubling that mattered.  The 2nd blood draw came back and the number was 293.9(at 13do).  It more than doubled so we agreed the 3rd draw was unnecessary and I would come in at 6 weeks, barring any problems.  The very next day, I had some spotting and began to panic. I couldn't believe this was happening again!!  I called my dr and he said come on in.  I went in for a viability scan at 4w3d (4 weeks and 3 days pregnant) and saw a gestational sac that measured right at 4w5d.  He said everything looks as it should and that if the spotting got worse or was accompanied by cramps to call or go to the ER.  He sent me home.

The next 2 weeks went by uneventfully, with the exception of the horrible morning sickness I began to experience.  I never really had morning sickness with Ryder or my last pregnancy so this was new!  And while I saw it as a promising sign, it was far from a welcome addition to my life.  I woke up often in the middle of the night dry heaving and almost lost my lunch in the middle of an elementary school assembly.  I tried all of the tricks of the trade: seabands, ginger, saltines, eating more often, and nothing seemed to help.  I decided I'd just tough it out until I could see my dr for the 6 week appointment.

The day finally arrived and I was a nervous wreck.  We scheduled our appointment for the afternoon thinking if it was bad news, I wouldn't have to worry about calling clients to reschedule appointments.  I went about my morning and barely made it through my 3 high school presentations.  Joe had to work as well, so we agreed we'd take separate cars to the appointment.  As I was driving to the appointment, my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest.  I was so nervous.  I decided I'd just sing through it and turned on some Bob Marley, "3 Little Birds".  How can you possibly feel stress while singing THAT song?   Everytime the song would sing, "3 little birds, outside my window...singing sweet songs"  I kept thinking my 3 little "birds" would be Ryder, the baby we lost, and this new baby.  I just kept singing, "everything's gonna be alright..." When I arrived, Joe was there and we went in together.  We were checked back in and went back to the dreaded ultrasound room that gave us our earth shattering news before.  It was not very comforting to be in the SAME room we discovered we lost our baby.  After a short while, the dr came in and asked how I was doing.  I told him I've been really sick and am very nervous but ok.  He reminded me my hcg numbers looked great and said let's get this started.  As soon as the ultrasound began he said, "OK!  Everybody take a deep breath! I've already seen what I need to see and everything is fine."  I instantly relaxed.  There it was!  Our beautiful 6 week baby with a nice and strong heartbeat!!  He measured the baby and it measured 6weeks on the dot!  What a relief!  He began to look around and examine my uterus and said, "oh wait!  I think, wow, this started out as a twin pregnancy."  Sure enough we saw another baby.  He said, "The other baby does not seem to have a heartbeat…." and began to explain to us about "vanishing twins".   About midway through this conversation he zoomed in on the 2nd baby and I shouted, "Oh MY GOD!  Isn't that a heartbeat?"  He smiled and said, "Yes it is!  Congratulations! You are having TWINS!!"  My jaw is on the floor.  I look at Joe and his mouth is wide open and he has both hands over his face!"  I felt tears beginning to flow down my cheeks and at the exact same moment Joe and I both just started laughing!!  We couldn't believe it.  TWINS?  Are you serious!!!  How could we possibly be having twins!!!??  As he measured the 2nd baby he DID say that the 2nd baby was just a little bit smaller with a slower heartbeat.  He advised we not share our new found TWIN discovery until the next ultrasound, which would be in 2 weeks.  He put his hand on my leg and said, "Congratulations!  And Happy Halloween!!  It looks like you have 2 little eyeballs in there!"  I was still speechless!  I am STILL speechless!!

Joe and I NEVER imagined that we would have 3 children, yet alone a set of TWINS! Anyone who KNOWS me, knows I've always claimed I'd only have 2 children.  I guess the universe has other plans for our family!  Joe and I are excited yet absolutely terrified!  TWINS!!!   Here's the FIRST photograph of our dynamic duo, who will forever be known as the biggest SURPRISE(S) of our life!!!

Fun in the Sun

August 27, 2011

In light of all that life has thrown at us recently, I've decided life is all about choices. We can choose to sit around and feel sorry for ourselves or we can CHOOSE to pick ourselves up and move on. Today, while I was out for my morning run I couldn't help but think about life's journey. I was remembering back when I was a kid and would think to myself, "I can't wait to be grown up". It hit me on this run that you never really "grow up". To grow up implies that you stop, that there is a final destination of "growing up". Today I couldn't help but think of life as more of a journey with many stops along the way. Some of those stops are beautiful and fun while others are dark and scary. Each of us has our own journey to travel but ALL of us will experience both the beautiful along with the dark. I'm choosing to accept our recent loss as just a stop along my journey in life. This event will not define me. It will however, help shape me. And I will use what I have learned to give back to others, the way so many gave to me.

Anyways, this weekend I've really wanted to put this out of my mind and just try to get back to normal around here. Sounds like we need a good day of just fun in the sun!! So, we busted out the slip and slide, filled up Ryder's blow up pool, and brought out the bubbles. It was so great to just play with my boy. Watching him and playing with me really is a reminder to me how lucky I am to have him in my life. He's an amazing little guy and I'm more and more appreciative of him every day! It's true there are days, were he drives me absolutely crazy, but I love him. He's constantly amazing me with what he's learning and how much he is growing. He's getting so big and so fast but no matter how big he grows, he'll always be my baby!

Fall down 7 times get up 8

September 3, 2011

I headed out this morning for a nice long run to just think.  I love running!  Its  such a peaceful time to get out- nothing but you, the pavement, and whatever's on your mind.  The sun was shining, there was a slight breeze and I couldn't help but think of my favorite Japanese Proverb, "Fall down 7 times, get up 8!"  I've always loved this and try to live by this as well.  In life, we all face challenges, heartache, and difficult times that can be speed bumps in life's journey.  You can either allow these problems to define you or you can choose to be strengthened by these events.  But make no doubt about it, you DO have a choice.

Of course, I'm still thinking and referring to our recent miscarry.  But for all of you who have wondered, I am not BROKEN!  Yes, I am sad.  But this does not define WHO I am.  This is one of those speed bumps in life that I stumbled over.  True, it knocked me right on my ass.  But I didn't lay down in the middle of the street.  I got up. I dusted myself off and I'm moving forward.  I always say that "everything happens for a reason"  and there are times where I really hate hearing that, but I do believe it.  Everyone who comes into our lives was meant to come into our life for one reason or another; weather it be for a brief moment or a long time. Everything in life that happens to us really does happen for a reason.

I'm in such a better place now.  I am now a member of a ridiculously large group of women who have suffered from a miscarriage.  It's not the Club I ever thought I wanted to be in, but now that I'm here, I can honestly say I've grown so much from BEING here.  Since losing the baby was so public for us, there have been many women who have written to me to share their story.  Some where first pregnancies, some where multiple pregnancies, some had family to support them and other's did not but the ONE thing that was true about EVERY single one of these women was that they truly had an understanding of what I was going through.  They weren't writing to get the "inside scoop" or out of obligation, they were writing because they remembered what it was like to face those dark days.  Some even told me of how compelled they felt to reach out, so that I would know I wasn't alone.  These women came out of all areas of my life; old elementary school friends, high school friends,  college friends,  friends of friends, family members, strangers from an online support group, my friends parents, people I've met, and people I haven't.  It was so moving to have so many women share their stories and rally around to help me go through this process.  (And let me tell you, it IS a process!)  It really moved me, the level of empathy these women were able to share and to give.  It was the most touching experience of my life.  I just home some day that I am able to help someone in the same way so many were able to help me.

The results are in...

August 26, 2011

Today as I was in between appointemnts for work, I received the phone call we had been waiting for. It was Dr. Rosenberg's office. I picked up immediately, expecting to hear the nurse. I was shocked to hear Dr. Rosenberg himself on the line. (I absolulely LOVE that he makes personal phone calls!). Anyways, he asked how I was and tried to make a little small talk but I was ready for him to get to the point. He started to tell me that unfortunately they were not able to do the testing. In order to do the genetic testing they actually have to take "tissue" and try to grow additional cells on it in order to get the results. Because it had been so long, they were unable to get any growth. And therefor, the tests were not able to be done. Unfortunately, we will NEVER know why our baby died. We will have to accept that this answer will always remain unknown. I asked if he knew the sex of the baby and unfortunately he wasn't able to tell me that either. On one hand, I was really bummed that I couldn't get ANY information. But on the other side, it doesn't matter. Knowing why, won't bring our baby back. It won't change anything. I don't like not knowing, but I can live with it. I don't have any other choice.