Remembering Mom

July 31, 2011

11 years ago today, I received a phone call that would change my life forever. I will NEVER forget that day. I can still remember it as if it were yesterday...

Joe and I were living in our FIRST apartment. We had just moved out of Mom & Terry's house a month and a half ago and were loving our new found freedom. I remember that feeling being 19 years old and so unbelievably excited to be on my own, well with Joe, but on my own. We were so in love we just thought everything in life was perfect. I remember as a "move in" gift my Mom gave me a book called "Where's Mom Now That I Need Her?" The book was full of recipes and basic information such as removing stains from clothing, home remedies, and fixing everyday things that fail around the house. She had also hand written in the recipe section her "secret" homemade lasagna recipe. I didn't realize it at the time, but that book would end up being one of my most precious possessions.

I remember that morning so clearly. The sun was shining, the radio was blaring, and I was singing and dancing around the apartment as I got ready for work. Joe had already left so I was just enjoying having the place ALL to myself. I was half way through curling my hair when my phone rang. It wasn't often I would get a call before going to work. I looked at caller ID but didn't recognize the caller. When I answered it, I recognized the voice instantly. It was one of Mom & Terry's good friends at the time, Earl, who also worked with them at Symbol. (Yes, they worked at the same place, they were inseperable!). Earl told me that Mom had fallen at work and that I needed to come to Kaiser hospital on Santa Teresa. I remember thinking this was so odd but it seemed like she was fine, but that I just needed to be there. Everything felt fine until he said, "Oh and bring the phone numbers of your family in PA." I swallowed a huge lump in my throat and just said ok. I didn't ask if she was ok, and he didn't tell me. My heart sank and started racing at the same time. I knew it wasn't good but I didn't want to know. I threw my 1/2 curled hair in a ponytail and raced out the door.

As I made the 15 minute drive to the hospital, my mind was racing. I didn't know anything but I felt it immediately that things would never be the same. I tried to convince myself the whole way that she probably broke an arm, had a concussion, or something that we would laugh about later. But as I was sitting at the red light waiting to turn into the hospital, I yelled at the light and said, "My mom could be dying and I'm waiting at a damn redlight!" That was the first time I allowed myself to think what I was really feeling. As I pulled into the Emergency Area I saw Earl and his wife immediately. I parked and ran towards them. As soon as I could see their faces the tears started to fall down my cheeks. They didn't need to say a word. They hugged me and told me, "She didn't make it". I was so confused. My mind was racing so fast I could barely speak. I just said, "I want to see her." They told me I couldn't. "Bull Shit! I WANT to see MY Mother" Immediately, a nurse approached me and told me that my Dad was in with her and she would take me back. The nurse wrapped her arm around me as she led me down the hall way and prepared me for what I was about to see.

The nurse warned me that there was a tube in her throat from when they tried to save her and led me through a door. When I walked through the door I glimpsed at her and immediately hugged Terry. I've never cried like that before and I've certainly never seen Terry like that either. I asked Terry what happened but all he could really get out was "She's gone. I don't know." As we let go I sat next to her and held her hand. Just as the nurse had prepared me, she had a tube in her throat and her eyes were still open. I asked the nurses to please close her eyes but I could hear them in the back of the room crying. I gently leaned over and closed her eyes, myself. That was the last time, I would ever look into my Mother's eyes.

They let us stay with her for awhile. I'm not sure how long we where there or how we said good bye, but I remember walking into the parking lot into the daylight and even though it was a beautiful summer day, It felt dark and gloomy. I picked up my phone and called Joe. I don't remember what I said to him but I know he was at the hospital in no time. And I'm so glad he was there!! As we all sat outside of the hospital, in shock, we knew we had to start making some of the dreaded phone calls to our family. How were we going to tell people that Mom, who was only 40 years old, was gone. And WHY? I learned that her and Terry were getting ready to head out to a Dr. appointment. Mom had been sick with the flu for a week or so before. I know Mom was outside having a cigarette befor they left. She turned to put it out and collapsed. Terry's office was very close so Mom's friend got Terry. He tried CPR, someone called 911, and he was holding her when she took her last breath. The ambulance arrived and also tried to work on her but it was too late. We had no answers.

I don't remember how long it was before we learned that she had an anneurism in her aeorta and when it burst, she died. I'm thankful to know that she most likely didn't suffer and that it was over fast. But even to this day its hard to believe that she is gone. I am thankful for everything that she taught me and for every second of those 19 years we had together! We used to dance in the kitchen and sing songs in the kitchen at the top of our lungs. We loved to play jokes and she never missed a school play, softball game, or any other event that either I or one of my siblings were involved in. She was the Mom that all our friends just called "Mom."

There is not a day that goes by that I haven't missed sharing with her; from my wedding day to the birth of my son and every moment in between she has been thought of. And we will continue to think of her, remember her, and find ways to honor her in our daily life. She was an amazing Mother and many other things to many other people. We all miss her dearly!

Hooray for UNDIES!!

July 28, 2011

I'm so incredibly proud of my little man today!! Yesterday, we decided it was time to get serious about Potty Training. We have made several attempts but due to poor follow through on our part we kept going back to the diaper or pull ups. Bad Mommy & Daddy!! We received a whole new incentive when we realized that if we could get Ryder fully potty trained he would be able to move into the preschool class at school. Not only would it be a better program for HIM, but cheaper for us! CHA-CHING!!! Talk about motivation!!!

On the way home from school yesterday, Ryder and I had a nice chat about his "other" friends who had already "graduated" to the preschool. He told me, "I wanna go to preschool too!" I explained to him that in order to go to preschool he needs to be able to wear undies and do ALL of his peeing and pooping on the potty! He quickly added, "Like a BIG boy!" "Yes, honey, like a BIG BOY! Would you like to wear undies when you get home?" He responded with Aa very enthusiastic, "YOU BETCHA, Momma!!!"

When we got home, Ryder ran to his room and picked out his football undies. He wore them with such pride. With lots of reminders he successfully had no accidents. HOORAY!! No accidents during the day time wasn't too much of a shocker to me, as he's fully capable, when given the opportunity of going potty and has been for sometime. After dinner we did our usual bedtime routine and when I reached for a diaper he said, "No Mommy! Ryder wants to go to preschool. I'm a big boy now. I wear undies!!" I told Ryder if he wanted to wear undies to bed he could but he would have to remember to call for me if he needed to go potty. Of course, my sweet little innocent, almost 2 1/2 year old child, agreed! lol. I prepared for at least one accident and set an extra set of sheets and jammies outside of his room, just in case. We said our stories, hugs and kisses, good nights and off to bed he went.

Around 9:30pm, I nervously checked on my "BIG BOY" and he was dry. I figured I'd just check in on him throughout the night as I woke to pee (let's face it, that's pretty darn often these days!) I had several more checks throughout the night 2:30, 4:30, and 5:30 and was shocked to find him sleeping peacefully in his nice dry undies! Around 6:10 I heard him calling, "Mommmmy… Time to get up!!!" I went to his room and before I could say a word he yelled, "Mommy, I'm dry!!! I'm a big boy!!" I checked and he was dry as could be. Off to the potty we went!!

I still cannot believe on our first attempt at undies overnight, he did it!!! I'm so proud of my little man and take this as a lesson to myself. Never underestimate Ryder's capabilities. He always seems to be "ready" for the next step before Mommy is quite ready. I guess I need to let go of my "baby", just a little, and let him grow up at his own pace. I'm thrilled and so proud of him. I've been grinning ear to ear all day about his new accomplishment! I'm sure it won't always be so flawless but it certainly is a step in the right direction, for us both!

July 12th- A good day for the Walsh's

July 12, 2011

3 years ago today we found out we were pregnant with Ryder! That was a day I'll NEVER forget. And here we are today, getting to see our newest baby for the very first time. July 12th has truly been a good day for the Walsh's.

I had forgotten how nerve wracking it is to go for that FIRST ultrasound. My mind was filled with all sort of "what ifs". What if I'm not really pregnant? What if its ectopic? What if there is no heart beat…what if, what if, what if? I think every pregnant woman knows what I'm talking about. It is just the fear of the unknown especially when you have already grown so attached (no pun intended) to the little peanut developing inside of you.

As we set off for our appointment, we took separate cars. Ryder needed to be dropped off at school and Joe and I would meet at the Drs. office. I remember driving there just praying that everything would be okay. I was a nervous wreck! Once I arrived, Joe pulled in almost immediately behind me and as soon as I had his hand in mine, I felt instantly better. I knew no matter what the outcome, we were in this together and we would be okay. I took a deep breath and we walked through the double doors together.

We headed into the room and waited for the doctor. We passed the time by making inappropriate jokes about the photos on the walls, the "dildo" cam, and the jar of condoms glaring at us on the shelf next to the bed. I wondered how many women sat there thinking, "Boy, I should have used one of those!" Our humor is not always appropriate, but it gets us through some nervous times. Joe, in his infinite humor, thought it would be a great time for a photo op, I flashed him my nervous smile and the doctor came right in.

The doctor came in and asked us the standard questions and some "not so standard" questions, like "how many pregnancy tests did you take after your positive?" I said, "None!" I thought for a second, "OH NO, should I have taken more?" He asked when my last period was and grabbed his "wheel of due dates" to proceed. Joe laughed when I declared, "I didn't ovulate on the 14th day, it was the 17th day" The Dr seemed to find this amusing as well and chuckled. He said the ultrasound will see how accurate I am. He asked if I felt pregnant yet? I said, "Somedays YES, and somedays No". He asked Joe, "Is she acting pregnant?" Joe responded, "Oh yes, she's moody already!" We all laughed! He said, "Well let's take a look!" As he prepared his "magic wand" He warned me that with a later ovulation date, we'd be right on the cusp of being able to see a heart beat and not to panic if we don't see one. I'll spare you the details of the trans-vaginal ultrasound and get right to the good stuff.

Our little peanut at 5 weeks 5 days pregnant. :) The Dr. announced, "You are spot on with the date you think you ovulated." And just then…there it was a tiny little flickering heart! It was barely there and most likely had just start beating recently, but there it was!! Nothing like seeing your baby for the first time! Love at first sight! :)

Ryder's Secret

July 2, 2011

Joe and I have been delighting in our little secret for almost a week! We've been talking about when is the right time to tell family and friends. Part of me wanted to wait until it was painfully obvious to spill the beans and the other part wanted to write it in the sky! After a lot of discussions, we decided to share the news! With Ryder, we waited until after the first ultrasound to share the news (8 weeks) and since we are certain this will be our LAST baby, we decided to enjoy every second with our family and friends. Now, how to share the news?

One of the awesomest moments was telling Ryder that he was going to be a big brother! He will forever me by "baby". And I really want him to be as involved as possible. So it was a no brainer to let Ryder share the news with family, friends, and the whole facebook world!

The cat is out of the bag! And the kid is out of the car seat… lovely!

Bermuda Suprise! Baby #2

June 25, 2011

Bermuda, Bermuda, Bermuda! There really is NO better place to find out that you are pregnant. Joe and I decided to start trying to expand our little family shortly before our trip. We weren't really sure WHAT to expect, how long it would take, etc. The ONE thing we knew for sure was that our family was not yet complete. We both wanted another baby. So, as we packed our bags for this trip, I was sure to pack a home pregnancy test. I wasn't sure if I would use it or not, but thought, "Better safe than sorry!"

On the morning of June 25th, I woke up bright and early to the sound of the ocean below. I could hear the sounds of Bermuda outside my window. It really WAS a perfect morning. The sun was shining and I thought, "well, today is as good as any to find out…" Into the bathroom I went with Joe still snoring on… A few minutes later I saw 2 pink little lines.

I rushed back to bed and snuggled under the covers waiting for Joe to wake up. As I lay there I have a million thoughts rushing through my head: OMG, I'm pregnant,

WOW, Ryder is going to be a big brother, and I wish Joe would wake up. Sleeping in is such a treat to us on this vacation that I wasn't about to wake him. A few minutes later Joe woke up and looked at me. The first words out of his mouth, "did you take the test?" I smiled and handed it to him. He instantly said "Congratulations Momma!", rubbed my belly, and gave me a big kiss! He then exclaimed, "I'm a sure thing!" Oh, men and their masculinity, and the joy of being able to "knock your wife up" on the first try. He was very prou

d of himself. :) Suddenly, we couldn't wait to get home to our first "baby". We were missing him something awful!

We went to breakfast with our little secret and couldn't stop smiling the entire time! We decided today would be a beach day! After all, I've worked too hard to be able to wear a bikini to not enjoy it while I can. We enjoyed the day at the beach, relishing our secret and behaving like honeymooners, hugging and kissing at every opportunity! It feels so great to be in love :)