Remembering Mom

July 31, 2011

11 years ago today, I received a phone call that would change my life forever. I will NEVER forget that day. I can still remember it as if it were yesterday...

Joe and I were living in our FIRST apartment. We had just moved out of Mom & Terry's house a month and a half ago and were loving our new found freedom. I remember that feeling being 19 years old and so unbelievably excited to be on my own, well with Joe, but on my own. We were so in love we just thought everything in life was perfect. I remember as a "move in" gift my Mom gave me a book called "Where's Mom Now That I Need Her?" The book was full of recipes and basic information such as removing stains from clothing, home remedies, and fixing everyday things that fail around the house. She had also hand written in the recipe section her "secret" homemade lasagna recipe. I didn't realize it at the time, but that book would end up being one of my most precious possessions.

I remember that morning so clearly. The sun was shining, the radio was blaring, and I was singing and dancing around the apartment as I got ready for work. Joe had already left so I was just enjoying having the place ALL to myself. I was half way through curling my hair when my phone rang. It wasn't often I would get a call before going to work. I looked at caller ID but didn't recognize the caller. When I answered it, I recognized the voice instantly. It was one of Mom & Terry's good friends at the time, Earl, who also worked with them at Symbol. (Yes, they worked at the same place, they were inseperable!). Earl told me that Mom had fallen at work and that I needed to come to Kaiser hospital on Santa Teresa. I remember thinking this was so odd but it seemed like she was fine, but that I just needed to be there. Everything felt fine until he said, "Oh and bring the phone numbers of your family in PA." I swallowed a huge lump in my throat and just said ok. I didn't ask if she was ok, and he didn't tell me. My heart sank and started racing at the same time. I knew it wasn't good but I didn't want to know. I threw my 1/2 curled hair in a ponytail and raced out the door.

As I made the 15 minute drive to the hospital, my mind was racing. I didn't know anything but I felt it immediately that things would never be the same. I tried to convince myself the whole way that she probably broke an arm, had a concussion, or something that we would laugh about later. But as I was sitting at the red light waiting to turn into the hospital, I yelled at the light and said, "My mom could be dying and I'm waiting at a damn redlight!" That was the first time I allowed myself to think what I was really feeling. As I pulled into the Emergency Area I saw Earl and his wife immediately. I parked and ran towards them. As soon as I could see their faces the tears started to fall down my cheeks. They didn't need to say a word. They hugged me and told me, "She didn't make it". I was so confused. My mind was racing so fast I could barely speak. I just said, "I want to see her." They told me I couldn't. "Bull Shit! I WANT to see MY Mother" Immediately, a nurse approached me and told me that my Dad was in with her and she would take me back. The nurse wrapped her arm around me as she led me down the hall way and prepared me for what I was about to see.

The nurse warned me that there was a tube in her throat from when they tried to save her and led me through a door. When I walked through the door I glimpsed at her and immediately hugged Terry. I've never cried like that before and I've certainly never seen Terry like that either. I asked Terry what happened but all he could really get out was "She's gone. I don't know." As we let go I sat next to her and held her hand. Just as the nurse had prepared me, she had a tube in her throat and her eyes were still open. I asked the nurses to please close her eyes but I could hear them in the back of the room crying. I gently leaned over and closed her eyes, myself. That was the last time, I would ever look into my Mother's eyes.

They let us stay with her for awhile. I'm not sure how long we where there or how we said good bye, but I remember walking into the parking lot into the daylight and even though it was a beautiful summer day, It felt dark and gloomy. I picked up my phone and called Joe. I don't remember what I said to him but I know he was at the hospital in no time. And I'm so glad he was there!! As we all sat outside of the hospital, in shock, we knew we had to start making some of the dreaded phone calls to our family. How were we going to tell people that Mom, who was only 40 years old, was gone. And WHY? I learned that her and Terry were getting ready to head out to a Dr. appointment. Mom had been sick with the flu for a week or so before. I know Mom was outside having a cigarette befor they left. She turned to put it out and collapsed. Terry's office was very close so Mom's friend got Terry. He tried CPR, someone called 911, and he was holding her when she took her last breath. The ambulance arrived and also tried to work on her but it was too late. We had no answers.

I don't remember how long it was before we learned that she had an anneurism in her aeorta and when it burst, she died. I'm thankful to know that she most likely didn't suffer and that it was over fast. But even to this day its hard to believe that she is gone. I am thankful for everything that she taught me and for every second of those 19 years we had together! We used to dance in the kitchen and sing songs in the kitchen at the top of our lungs. We loved to play jokes and she never missed a school play, softball game, or any other event that either I or one of my siblings were involved in. She was the Mom that all our friends just called "Mom."

There is not a day that goes by that I haven't missed sharing with her; from my wedding day to the birth of my son and every moment in between she has been thought of. And we will continue to think of her, remember her, and find ways to honor her in our daily life. She was an amazing Mother and many other things to many other people. We all miss her dearly!