Good-bye, baby.

Tuesday, August 9th, 2011

Today was supposed to be a happy day for us. I was scheduled to go in for my 10 week appointment to hear the heart beat of our baby. I was super nervous about the appointment, which just isn't my typical way. Anyways, Joe had been swamped with work so we agreed I would go and I'd call him after. I showed up for my appointment and got situated in the room. Dr. Rosenberg looked at my chart and gave me his warning that we might not be able to hear the heart today and not to panic if we don't. He said being 10 weeks and with his equipment it could go either way. I took a deep breath and he began. He moved his little wand all over my belly and found nothing. He asked if I felt ok for him to push a little harder, I said, yes, go for it. He did and we still heard nothing.

He called the nurse and asked if the ultrasound room was in use. Luckily it was open so he said we could go down and take a look. I felt that pit in my stomach growing and just knew that this was not going to be good news. I layed down and tilted the screen so I could view. As soon as the image appeared, I knew. Our baby was still so small and I didn't see a heart beat. He continued to look and move around and the tears just started to fall. He didn't need to keep looking. I knew, he knew. After a few minutes, he looked at me and said, "Beth, I"m so sorry. There is no heartbeat." He paused for a moment and then took a measurement. We had lost the baby 2 weeks ago. He told me to go ahead and take a minute, get dressed when I was ready and to meet him in his office. I layed in there, in shock, feeling numb with tears rolling down my face. I knew I had to get it together for my walk back through the waiting room and into his office. So, I sucked it up and made the walk. I closed his door and sat down.

He began to talk to me but I couldn't hear a word he was saying. I just wanted to get out of there as fast as I could. I couldn't believe that this was really happening. Our baby was gone. He told me that it was most likely an issue with a chromosone missing and those babies tend to pass because they wouldn't be viable. He gave me his speech about it being good news for me that I already have Ryder so that means I'm capable of having babies and that with this one there was just something wrong. He explained that I had two options for moving forward. I could wait for my body to miscarry the baby naturally. This could take weeks and there would be no guarantee when it would happen, if at all. It had already been 2 weeks and my body was still behaving as if I were pregant. He told me the second option was to schedule a D&C, where they would surgically go in and remove the baby and tissue. I could get it done tomorrow and they would be able to send it off for genetic testing and we would have answers. I didn't even need to think, I said, "Yes. I'd like to do the surgery as soon as possible." I really felt like I needed to get this over with so that I could move forward. I didn't want to feel pregnant anymore. I didn't want to continue to carry a baby that was no longer living.

He gave me a hug and walked me down to the surgery scheduling place. The lady began talking to me, but I wasn't listening. I just told her to write down whatever I needed to know. I sat there staring out the window just wishing I could get the hell out of there. She gave me my info and I was out of there as fast I could move. I called Joe. He was in between meetings and asked if we could meet. I said yes and we met up. I've never been so happy to see him in my life. I just needed him in that moment so much. We hugged, cried, and just couldn't believe this was happening to us. We stayed together for about 30 minutes before he had to go back to work. I told him I was just going to go home and try to process.

When I got home, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't think it was possible to cry for an entire day, but it is. I couldn't help it. I was so frustrated that my body would continue to behave like its pregnant when the baby was gone. Why couldn't it just have given me a hint, although, in hindsight I'd discover there were plenty of signs that could have drawn a red flag for me. Anyways, I realized that i needed to start letting some people know. This was my biggest fear. I didn't want to face this. And I surely didn't want to have to tell the world we had lost the baby. But, rather than having to say the words, I decided I'd just send some text messages. I started with my brother and sister. Luckily, my sister was awesome and was willing to call my Dad for me, b/c I just couldn't do it. After an hour or so, I started telling others, only via text, because I still knew I couldn't get the words out. I knew instantly that telling was better for me than I ever imagined it could be. The words of encouragement and support were unbelievably moving and uplifting. I suddenly did NOT feel alone. I felt so full of love and support from the people who mattered most. I realized that I had no regrets about telling people early about this pregnancy. I was now a part of a huge group of women who have had similar experiences. Not the club I wanted to be in, but I surely wasn't alone.

I spent the day texting back and forth with my brothers and sisters and my closest friends. I also spent a lot of time chatting to my girls in my online moms group. I'm still amazed at how much love and support I get from these women, many of whom I've never met in real life, but the relationships are real and their support was unwavering. I kept watching the clock just waiting for Joe to bring Ryder home from school. I just wanted to hug him and hold him and never let him go. I suddenly felt so very blessed to have him. And so thankful that he is healthy and here and that this hadn't happened BEFORE him. If all else fails, I have my Ryder and he's so special, I couldn't ask for a better son. I really needed him home soon.

On the way home, Joe called. Ryder got on the phone and told me he loved me. He asked, "Mommy are you sad?" I said, "Yes, buddy, Mommy is sad today." He said, "I'm gonna give you a hug and make you feel happy!" I told him, "your hugs always make Mommy feel happy and I can't wait to have one!". A few minutes later he came running in the door holding a big bouquet of flowers, a card, and a snickers bar. He gave me the flowers and said, "Here Mommy, these are for you so you no sad anymore." He gave me a hug and said, "Mommy, you have an ouchie on your eyes" and kissed my eyes. There is nothing better than the sweet innocence of a child. We popped on a movie and spent the rest of the night snuggled up on the couch together. It was without a doubt, the best part of my day!!

I ate as much as I could since my surgery wasn't until noon the next day and I wasn't allowed any food after midnight... but I really had no appetite. But I had no problem getting that snickers down. I didn't sleep much that night. I was feeling so supported by so many, yet so sad, so confused. I found some comfort in knowing that things happen for a reason. And although, I don't know what reason there was for taking this baby from us, it just wasn't meant to be. I believe this baby is the grandbaby my Mom gets to keep with her. I have a great comfort in knowing that she can take care of this baby, spoil this baby the way she always wanted to and take care of him/her for us. And I truly believe that is exactly what is happening. Our rainbow baby is with Grandma Laurie being loved to pieces in heaven.