Biggest SUPRISE of our LIFE!

October 28, 2011

We found out on October 7th that we are expecting another baby!  With all of the joy, came a whole lot of fear and anxiety.  The last time we traveled down this road, it ended without a baby.  We were cautiously optimistic but decided to keep our new discovery to ourselves until we felt this was a sure thing, all the while knowing, pregnancy never really IS a sure thing.  Anyways, after a call to my dr, it was determined that I would come in to get my HCG measured.  He explained that I would get my blood drawn every other day for 6 days and we'd measure the levels to make sure they were doubling as they should.  I went in for the first bloodwork draw and nervously awaited the results.  My numbers came back at 133.9 (at 11dpo).  The dr didn't say much about this number and reminded me its the doubling that mattered.  The 2nd blood draw came back and the number was 293.9(at 13do).  It more than doubled so we agreed the 3rd draw was unnecessary and I would come in at 6 weeks, barring any problems.  The very next day, I had some spotting and began to panic. I couldn't believe this was happening again!!  I called my dr and he said come on in.  I went in for a viability scan at 4w3d (4 weeks and 3 days pregnant) and saw a gestational sac that measured right at 4w5d.  He said everything looks as it should and that if the spotting got worse or was accompanied by cramps to call or go to the ER.  He sent me home.

The next 2 weeks went by uneventfully, with the exception of the horrible morning sickness I began to experience.  I never really had morning sickness with Ryder or my last pregnancy so this was new!  And while I saw it as a promising sign, it was far from a welcome addition to my life.  I woke up often in the middle of the night dry heaving and almost lost my lunch in the middle of an elementary school assembly.  I tried all of the tricks of the trade: seabands, ginger, saltines, eating more often, and nothing seemed to help.  I decided I'd just tough it out until I could see my dr for the 6 week appointment.

The day finally arrived and I was a nervous wreck.  We scheduled our appointment for the afternoon thinking if it was bad news, I wouldn't have to worry about calling clients to reschedule appointments.  I went about my morning and barely made it through my 3 high school presentations.  Joe had to work as well, so we agreed we'd take separate cars to the appointment.  As I was driving to the appointment, my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest.  I was so nervous.  I decided I'd just sing through it and turned on some Bob Marley, "3 Little Birds".  How can you possibly feel stress while singing THAT song?   Everytime the song would sing, "3 little birds, outside my window...singing sweet songs"  I kept thinking my 3 little "birds" would be Ryder, the baby we lost, and this new baby.  I just kept singing, "everything's gonna be alright..." When I arrived, Joe was there and we went in together.  We were checked back in and went back to the dreaded ultrasound room that gave us our earth shattering news before.  It was not very comforting to be in the SAME room we discovered we lost our baby.  After a short while, the dr came in and asked how I was doing.  I told him I've been really sick and am very nervous but ok.  He reminded me my hcg numbers looked great and said let's get this started.  As soon as the ultrasound began he said, "OK!  Everybody take a deep breath! I've already seen what I need to see and everything is fine."  I instantly relaxed.  There it was!  Our beautiful 6 week baby with a nice and strong heartbeat!!  He measured the baby and it measured 6weeks on the dot!  What a relief!  He began to look around and examine my uterus and said, "oh wait!  I think, wow, this started out as a twin pregnancy."  Sure enough we saw another baby.  He said, "The other baby does not seem to have a heartbeat…." and began to explain to us about "vanishing twins".   About midway through this conversation he zoomed in on the 2nd baby and I shouted, "Oh MY GOD!  Isn't that a heartbeat?"  He smiled and said, "Yes it is!  Congratulations! You are having TWINS!!"  My jaw is on the floor.  I look at Joe and his mouth is wide open and he has both hands over his face!"  I felt tears beginning to flow down my cheeks and at the exact same moment Joe and I both just started laughing!!  We couldn't believe it.  TWINS?  Are you serious!!!  How could we possibly be having twins!!!??  As he measured the 2nd baby he DID say that the 2nd baby was just a little bit smaller with a slower heartbeat.  He advised we not share our new found TWIN discovery until the next ultrasound, which would be in 2 weeks.  He put his hand on my leg and said, "Congratulations!  And Happy Halloween!!  It looks like you have 2 little eyeballs in there!"  I was still speechless!  I am STILL speechless!!

Joe and I NEVER imagined that we would have 3 children, yet alone a set of TWINS! Anyone who KNOWS me, knows I've always claimed I'd only have 2 children.  I guess the universe has other plans for our family!  Joe and I are excited yet absolutely terrified!  TWINS!!!   Here's the FIRST photograph of our dynamic duo, who will forever be known as the biggest SURPRISE(S) of our life!!!

Fun in the Sun

August 27, 2011

In light of all that life has thrown at us recently, I've decided life is all about choices. We can choose to sit around and feel sorry for ourselves or we can CHOOSE to pick ourselves up and move on. Today, while I was out for my morning run I couldn't help but think about life's journey. I was remembering back when I was a kid and would think to myself, "I can't wait to be grown up". It hit me on this run that you never really "grow up". To grow up implies that you stop, that there is a final destination of "growing up". Today I couldn't help but think of life as more of a journey with many stops along the way. Some of those stops are beautiful and fun while others are dark and scary. Each of us has our own journey to travel but ALL of us will experience both the beautiful along with the dark. I'm choosing to accept our recent loss as just a stop along my journey in life. This event will not define me. It will however, help shape me. And I will use what I have learned to give back to others, the way so many gave to me.

Anyways, this weekend I've really wanted to put this out of my mind and just try to get back to normal around here. Sounds like we need a good day of just fun in the sun!! So, we busted out the slip and slide, filled up Ryder's blow up pool, and brought out the bubbles. It was so great to just play with my boy. Watching him and playing with me really is a reminder to me how lucky I am to have him in my life. He's an amazing little guy and I'm more and more appreciative of him every day! It's true there are days, were he drives me absolutely crazy, but I love him. He's constantly amazing me with what he's learning and how much he is growing. He's getting so big and so fast but no matter how big he grows, he'll always be my baby!

Fall down 7 times get up 8

September 3, 2011

I headed out this morning for a nice long run to just think.  I love running!  Its  such a peaceful time to get out- nothing but you, the pavement, and whatever's on your mind.  The sun was shining, there was a slight breeze and I couldn't help but think of my favorite Japanese Proverb, "Fall down 7 times, get up 8!"  I've always loved this and try to live by this as well.  In life, we all face challenges, heartache, and difficult times that can be speed bumps in life's journey.  You can either allow these problems to define you or you can choose to be strengthened by these events.  But make no doubt about it, you DO have a choice.

Of course, I'm still thinking and referring to our recent miscarry.  But for all of you who have wondered, I am not BROKEN!  Yes, I am sad.  But this does not define WHO I am.  This is one of those speed bumps in life that I stumbled over.  True, it knocked me right on my ass.  But I didn't lay down in the middle of the street.  I got up. I dusted myself off and I'm moving forward.  I always say that "everything happens for a reason"  and there are times where I really hate hearing that, but I do believe it.  Everyone who comes into our lives was meant to come into our life for one reason or another; weather it be for a brief moment or a long time. Everything in life that happens to us really does happen for a reason.

I'm in such a better place now.  I am now a member of a ridiculously large group of women who have suffered from a miscarriage.  It's not the Club I ever thought I wanted to be in, but now that I'm here, I can honestly say I've grown so much from BEING here.  Since losing the baby was so public for us, there have been many women who have written to me to share their story.  Some where first pregnancies, some where multiple pregnancies, some had family to support them and other's did not but the ONE thing that was true about EVERY single one of these women was that they truly had an understanding of what I was going through.  They weren't writing to get the "inside scoop" or out of obligation, they were writing because they remembered what it was like to face those dark days.  Some even told me of how compelled they felt to reach out, so that I would know I wasn't alone.  These women came out of all areas of my life; old elementary school friends, high school friends,  college friends,  friends of friends, family members, strangers from an online support group, my friends parents, people I've met, and people I haven't.  It was so moving to have so many women share their stories and rally around to help me go through this process.  (And let me tell you, it IS a process!)  It really moved me, the level of empathy these women were able to share and to give.  It was the most touching experience of my life.  I just home some day that I am able to help someone in the same way so many were able to help me.

The results are in...

August 26, 2011

Today as I was in between appointemnts for work, I received the phone call we had been waiting for. It was Dr. Rosenberg's office. I picked up immediately, expecting to hear the nurse. I was shocked to hear Dr. Rosenberg himself on the line. (I absolulely LOVE that he makes personal phone calls!). Anyways, he asked how I was and tried to make a little small talk but I was ready for him to get to the point. He started to tell me that unfortunately they were not able to do the testing. In order to do the genetic testing they actually have to take "tissue" and try to grow additional cells on it in order to get the results. Because it had been so long, they were unable to get any growth. And therefor, the tests were not able to be done. Unfortunately, we will NEVER know why our baby died. We will have to accept that this answer will always remain unknown. I asked if he knew the sex of the baby and unfortunately he wasn't able to tell me that either. On one hand, I was really bummed that I couldn't get ANY information. But on the other side, it doesn't matter. Knowing why, won't bring our baby back. It won't change anything. I don't like not knowing, but I can live with it. I don't have any other choice.

D&C Day

August 10, 2011

I woke up feeling numb. What a dark day it was. Joe got up with Ryder while I got a shower. Joe and Ryder sat at the table to eat breakfast. I tried to take my time so I didn't have to sit there with them while I wasn't allowed to eat. No food or water after midnight for todays surgery, I'm not even allowed to have a piece of gum or a breath mint. It's going to be a long morning. When I sat down at the table, Ryder immediately asked, "Where's breakfast, Mommy?" My sweet little man always wondering about everyone else. I told Ryder I wasn't having breakfast today. He offered to share his with me and was a little annoyed that I wouldn't eat it. He's too cute.

I was scheduled for surgery at 12:00pm (noon). Joe needed to take his car in for new brakes and it didn't to be done long before now. We were supposed to do it yesterday but I was in no shape for that. I said we should do it today since its right next to the surgery center and we can just pick up the car tomorrow. So, I took Ryder and he had a really hard time saying good bye today. I know that he knows things are unsettled at home. I really hate that for him. We gave hugs and kisses and I practically ran to my car. As soon as I closed my car door I started to cry again. I can't believe this is happening.

After I got myself together, I drove to pick Joe up at the mechanic. In the meantime, I received a call from my doctor telling me I didn't need to get to the surgery center until 10:30 as opposed to 9:30. Now we really have some time on our hands. I would love to go to breakfast and get a giant cup of coffee, eggs, potatoes…. oh that's right, no food. I'm not sure if this is really necessary. It really feels like torture. Anyways, we went to the hardware store, yes the hardware store. Don't even ask!

At 10:15 we were parking at the surgery center. I sat in the car and took a deep breath and I felt my eyes starting to get teary and my heart beginning to race. I knew that this was going to be the end. I put my head down and walked up to the center. I opened the door and walked to the receptionist. I very quietly told her my name and that I had a 12:00 "Appointment". She fumbled around and gave me a big stack of paperwork to fill out. I sat down, took a deep breath, and began to fill in my name, address, all the basics. When I turned the page, my heart sank. Everything was all filled in and under procedure, I couldn't believe what I saw. It said, "Spontaneous Abortion". Can I just say that seeing the word "abortion" about ripped my heart from my chest. I wipee the tears from my eyes and turned the page immediately. I wanted to go back and cross it off and write, "I loved my baby, I wanted this baby, And I am not having an abortion."

Almost immediately after I finished my paperwork the nurse called my name. Joe and I both came forward. She looked at Joe and told him she would get me checked in and then he could come back. He gave me a hug and kiss and we went our separate ways. When I walked through those double doors I wanted to cry. I knew what was going to be happening and I wished more than anything that I could change this. I still don't understand why this is happening. The nurse sat me down and took my blood pressure and temperature. I had tears rolling down my face when she began to ask real questions. "When was your last period?" I seriously was just in shock and thinking was so hard, I had no idea. I sighed, "I don't know, May…May 28th maybe" She replied, "well how far along WERE you?" When she asked me that, I just started to sob. I couldn't help it anymore. She was awful and I just was so overwhelmed with all of this happening. I think she realized how upset I was and moved me to my room. She gave me my gown, hat, and socks and asked me to change. I put my new outfit on and crawled into bed. I looked at myself in that gown, in that room, and just curled up and cried. I couldn't believe that this is how my pregnancy was ending. I wasn't bringing a baby home with me. This was good bye.

Midway through my breakdown the nurse came back and told me it was time for the IV. I asked her if she was any good at it. She smiled and said, "I've been doing this for 30 years…" I just kinda said, "good enough for me!" She was really good and did it fast and painlessly. I asked her when my husband could come in and she said, "Right Now." She went and brought him back.

It was such a relief to have Joe back with me. I always feel so much more at ease when he's with me. He pulled his chair up to my bed and just leaned in and we hugged for a long while. He just held me and rubbed my back while we sat there and cried. We couldn't believe that we were really having to say good bye. We were saying good bye to our baby, to Ryder's sibling, and a dream we had been living in for the last 10 weeks. It was just happening so fast. We had so many questions.

After a little while I took a deep breath and tried to compose myself. We tried small talk about other things but we were both just sort of out of words. We were in room #1 and the nurses had just started a conversation that had Joe and I giggling. "What are you having for lunch?" "We should try that new Thai place?" "OMG, I love Thai, but I could really go for some Panda Express!" I said to Joe, "really? They know EVERYONE in here is fasting and they want to talk about their lunch plans? Why don't they just come in and sit in my room while they eat it." Luckily, I was just needing a joke so I did find this funny and we began to make jokes about it louder and louder. Finally, I heard a nurse say, "Oh shit, these guys haven't eaten in at least 12 hours, we probably shouldn't talk about this." Joe and I just started busting up. They heard us and apologized.

A little while later our surgery nurse came in to check on us. She introduced her self, checked my IV & ID bracelets, and brought me some warm blankets. She was very sweet and very kind. Her presence felt nice. Before she left the room she looked at me, put her hand on my leg, and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss." And she quietly left. Joe and I both had tears again instantly. But we both immediately agreed that it was the nicest thing anyone said or did for us while we were there. It felt so good to have someone just acknowledge why I was there, that we were hurting, and that I wasn't having an abortion. It really sucks the way people act around me. They don't know what to say and they are so afraid of sending me into an emotional breakdown that they avoid, don't make eye contact, and say nothing! Thank you mystery nurse! Your words were so important to us!!!

Around 11:45 the anesthesiologist finally blessed us with his presence. He introduced himself and asked if I had any questions. I said, "YES! When can you give me some drugs?" He said, "I have something for you right here" as he patted his shirt pocket, "I just need to ask you a few questions and then I'll put it in your IV. You will be feeling great 30 seconds after." I asked, "Could you give it to me first AND THEN i'll answer your questions?" He gave me a pretty straight No and began the standard pre surgery questions… I answered them quickly and before I knew it, I was definitely feeling the meds. I looked at Joe and he just smiled and said, "You are doing great. You are so brave and I'm so proud of you." We kissed and they told me it was time to go. My new favorite surgery nurse wheeled me into the surgery room and they moved me from one table to the other. I was aware of what was happening but so tired. I just wanted to sleep. I remember my doctor walking in and asking if I received his phone message. I told him yes, thanked him, and I don't remember a thing.

A little while later I was waking up. When I first opened my eyes I looked down and remembered immediately where I was and why I was there. I felt empty. I knew the baby was gone. I looked to my right and saw a nurse, "Are you waking up?" I just nodded and looked the other way. I didn't want to see her, I didn't want to see anyone. As the tears rolled down my face I took my oxygen mask off and asked what time it was. She told me it was 1:05. A few minutes later, I asked again, "what time is it?" She responded and I just knew I must have already asked her… "Did I already ask you that?" She smiled and grabbed my hand "Its ok, honey, a few times, its normal." I asked if Joe could come in and she said we already told him, he'll be here in a minute. She helped me get dress and removed my IV. Just after, Joe walked in with my wheel chair. As soon as our eyes met, more tears came. He hugged me, kissed my cheek and helped me into the wheel chair. He whispered, "You are doing great!" He wheeled me right out of my room and into the next door. It was a one car garage with my car in it. SWEET! I was so nervous to have to do the "walk of shame" through the waiting area. And was so glad I didn't have to. Joe helped me into the car and we were on our way home, with a stop at Jack in the Box for some much needed junk food.

When we got home, I ate and fell right to sleep. I slept all day. I woke up a couple times but just couldn't keep my eyes open. Before long, Joe was waking me up to tell me he was going to pick up Ryder from school. I couldn't wait to see my boy. When he walked in the door he was so excited to tell me about his day. I sat and listened just admiring what an amazing little boy he is. I'm definitely so grateful to have him. He's perfect and I couldn't ask for anything more!

I told Ryder it was movie night and he was stoked! He asked for his favorite, Ice Age, so we put it on and watched it start to finish. We paused for a little dinner and came right back to the couch for Toy Story. I spent the whole night snuggling on the couch with my boy! It was perfect and just what I needed. After Ryder went to bed, the reality of our lives started to sink in. Joe and I talked a lot. After awhile, I told him we I just needed to talk about something else. And we agreed to just rent a movie. We fell asleep to a movie with snacks galore.

All and all, the procedure itself was easy. There was no physical pain but the emotional pain has been excruciating. I know that this is just the beginning of a long road for us. I'm trying to feel the emotions as the come. I'm trying to keep faith in things happening for a reason. I don't know what that reason is, but I'm sure there is one. I know we will get through this. I know it will take time, but right now it sure hurts a lot.

Good-bye, baby.

Tuesday, August 9th, 2011

Today was supposed to be a happy day for us. I was scheduled to go in for my 10 week appointment to hear the heart beat of our baby. I was super nervous about the appointment, which just isn't my typical way. Anyways, Joe had been swamped with work so we agreed I would go and I'd call him after. I showed up for my appointment and got situated in the room. Dr. Rosenberg looked at my chart and gave me his warning that we might not be able to hear the heart today and not to panic if we don't. He said being 10 weeks and with his equipment it could go either way. I took a deep breath and he began. He moved his little wand all over my belly and found nothing. He asked if I felt ok for him to push a little harder, I said, yes, go for it. He did and we still heard nothing.

He called the nurse and asked if the ultrasound room was in use. Luckily it was open so he said we could go down and take a look. I felt that pit in my stomach growing and just knew that this was not going to be good news. I layed down and tilted the screen so I could view. As soon as the image appeared, I knew. Our baby was still so small and I didn't see a heart beat. He continued to look and move around and the tears just started to fall. He didn't need to keep looking. I knew, he knew. After a few minutes, he looked at me and said, "Beth, I"m so sorry. There is no heartbeat." He paused for a moment and then took a measurement. We had lost the baby 2 weeks ago. He told me to go ahead and take a minute, get dressed when I was ready and to meet him in his office. I layed in there, in shock, feeling numb with tears rolling down my face. I knew I had to get it together for my walk back through the waiting room and into his office. So, I sucked it up and made the walk. I closed his door and sat down.

He began to talk to me but I couldn't hear a word he was saying. I just wanted to get out of there as fast as I could. I couldn't believe that this was really happening. Our baby was gone. He told me that it was most likely an issue with a chromosone missing and those babies tend to pass because they wouldn't be viable. He gave me his speech about it being good news for me that I already have Ryder so that means I'm capable of having babies and that with this one there was just something wrong. He explained that I had two options for moving forward. I could wait for my body to miscarry the baby naturally. This could take weeks and there would be no guarantee when it would happen, if at all. It had already been 2 weeks and my body was still behaving as if I were pregant. He told me the second option was to schedule a D&C, where they would surgically go in and remove the baby and tissue. I could get it done tomorrow and they would be able to send it off for genetic testing and we would have answers. I didn't even need to think, I said, "Yes. I'd like to do the surgery as soon as possible." I really felt like I needed to get this over with so that I could move forward. I didn't want to feel pregnant anymore. I didn't want to continue to carry a baby that was no longer living.

He gave me a hug and walked me down to the surgery scheduling place. The lady began talking to me, but I wasn't listening. I just told her to write down whatever I needed to know. I sat there staring out the window just wishing I could get the hell out of there. She gave me my info and I was out of there as fast I could move. I called Joe. He was in between meetings and asked if we could meet. I said yes and we met up. I've never been so happy to see him in my life. I just needed him in that moment so much. We hugged, cried, and just couldn't believe this was happening to us. We stayed together for about 30 minutes before he had to go back to work. I told him I was just going to go home and try to process.

When I got home, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't think it was possible to cry for an entire day, but it is. I couldn't help it. I was so frustrated that my body would continue to behave like its pregnant when the baby was gone. Why couldn't it just have given me a hint, although, in hindsight I'd discover there were plenty of signs that could have drawn a red flag for me. Anyways, I realized that i needed to start letting some people know. This was my biggest fear. I didn't want to face this. And I surely didn't want to have to tell the world we had lost the baby. But, rather than having to say the words, I decided I'd just send some text messages. I started with my brother and sister. Luckily, my sister was awesome and was willing to call my Dad for me, b/c I just couldn't do it. After an hour or so, I started telling others, only via text, because I still knew I couldn't get the words out. I knew instantly that telling was better for me than I ever imagined it could be. The words of encouragement and support were unbelievably moving and uplifting. I suddenly did NOT feel alone. I felt so full of love and support from the people who mattered most. I realized that I had no regrets about telling people early about this pregnancy. I was now a part of a huge group of women who have had similar experiences. Not the club I wanted to be in, but I surely wasn't alone.

I spent the day texting back and forth with my brothers and sisters and my closest friends. I also spent a lot of time chatting to my girls in my online moms group. I'm still amazed at how much love and support I get from these women, many of whom I've never met in real life, but the relationships are real and their support was unwavering. I kept watching the clock just waiting for Joe to bring Ryder home from school. I just wanted to hug him and hold him and never let him go. I suddenly felt so very blessed to have him. And so thankful that he is healthy and here and that this hadn't happened BEFORE him. If all else fails, I have my Ryder and he's so special, I couldn't ask for a better son. I really needed him home soon.

On the way home, Joe called. Ryder got on the phone and told me he loved me. He asked, "Mommy are you sad?" I said, "Yes, buddy, Mommy is sad today." He said, "I'm gonna give you a hug and make you feel happy!" I told him, "your hugs always make Mommy feel happy and I can't wait to have one!". A few minutes later he came running in the door holding a big bouquet of flowers, a card, and a snickers bar. He gave me the flowers and said, "Here Mommy, these are for you so you no sad anymore." He gave me a hug and said, "Mommy, you have an ouchie on your eyes" and kissed my eyes. There is nothing better than the sweet innocence of a child. We popped on a movie and spent the rest of the night snuggled up on the couch together. It was without a doubt, the best part of my day!!

I ate as much as I could since my surgery wasn't until noon the next day and I wasn't allowed any food after midnight... but I really had no appetite. But I had no problem getting that snickers down. I didn't sleep much that night. I was feeling so supported by so many, yet so sad, so confused. I found some comfort in knowing that things happen for a reason. And although, I don't know what reason there was for taking this baby from us, it just wasn't meant to be. I believe this baby is the grandbaby my Mom gets to keep with her. I have a great comfort in knowing that she can take care of this baby, spoil this baby the way she always wanted to and take care of him/her for us. And I truly believe that is exactly what is happening. Our rainbow baby is with Grandma Laurie being loved to pieces in heaven.

Remembering Mom

July 31, 2011

11 years ago today, I received a phone call that would change my life forever. I will NEVER forget that day. I can still remember it as if it were yesterday...

Joe and I were living in our FIRST apartment. We had just moved out of Mom & Terry's house a month and a half ago and were loving our new found freedom. I remember that feeling being 19 years old and so unbelievably excited to be on my own, well with Joe, but on my own. We were so in love we just thought everything in life was perfect. I remember as a "move in" gift my Mom gave me a book called "Where's Mom Now That I Need Her?" The book was full of recipes and basic information such as removing stains from clothing, home remedies, and fixing everyday things that fail around the house. She had also hand written in the recipe section her "secret" homemade lasagna recipe. I didn't realize it at the time, but that book would end up being one of my most precious possessions.

I remember that morning so clearly. The sun was shining, the radio was blaring, and I was singing and dancing around the apartment as I got ready for work. Joe had already left so I was just enjoying having the place ALL to myself. I was half way through curling my hair when my phone rang. It wasn't often I would get a call before going to work. I looked at caller ID but didn't recognize the caller. When I answered it, I recognized the voice instantly. It was one of Mom & Terry's good friends at the time, Earl, who also worked with them at Symbol. (Yes, they worked at the same place, they were inseperable!). Earl told me that Mom had fallen at work and that I needed to come to Kaiser hospital on Santa Teresa. I remember thinking this was so odd but it seemed like she was fine, but that I just needed to be there. Everything felt fine until he said, "Oh and bring the phone numbers of your family in PA." I swallowed a huge lump in my throat and just said ok. I didn't ask if she was ok, and he didn't tell me. My heart sank and started racing at the same time. I knew it wasn't good but I didn't want to know. I threw my 1/2 curled hair in a ponytail and raced out the door.

As I made the 15 minute drive to the hospital, my mind was racing. I didn't know anything but I felt it immediately that things would never be the same. I tried to convince myself the whole way that she probably broke an arm, had a concussion, or something that we would laugh about later. But as I was sitting at the red light waiting to turn into the hospital, I yelled at the light and said, "My mom could be dying and I'm waiting at a damn redlight!" That was the first time I allowed myself to think what I was really feeling. As I pulled into the Emergency Area I saw Earl and his wife immediately. I parked and ran towards them. As soon as I could see their faces the tears started to fall down my cheeks. They didn't need to say a word. They hugged me and told me, "She didn't make it". I was so confused. My mind was racing so fast I could barely speak. I just said, "I want to see her." They told me I couldn't. "Bull Shit! I WANT to see MY Mother" Immediately, a nurse approached me and told me that my Dad was in with her and she would take me back. The nurse wrapped her arm around me as she led me down the hall way and prepared me for what I was about to see.

The nurse warned me that there was a tube in her throat from when they tried to save her and led me through a door. When I walked through the door I glimpsed at her and immediately hugged Terry. I've never cried like that before and I've certainly never seen Terry like that either. I asked Terry what happened but all he could really get out was "She's gone. I don't know." As we let go I sat next to her and held her hand. Just as the nurse had prepared me, she had a tube in her throat and her eyes were still open. I asked the nurses to please close her eyes but I could hear them in the back of the room crying. I gently leaned over and closed her eyes, myself. That was the last time, I would ever look into my Mother's eyes.

They let us stay with her for awhile. I'm not sure how long we where there or how we said good bye, but I remember walking into the parking lot into the daylight and even though it was a beautiful summer day, It felt dark and gloomy. I picked up my phone and called Joe. I don't remember what I said to him but I know he was at the hospital in no time. And I'm so glad he was there!! As we all sat outside of the hospital, in shock, we knew we had to start making some of the dreaded phone calls to our family. How were we going to tell people that Mom, who was only 40 years old, was gone. And WHY? I learned that her and Terry were getting ready to head out to a Dr. appointment. Mom had been sick with the flu for a week or so before. I know Mom was outside having a cigarette befor they left. She turned to put it out and collapsed. Terry's office was very close so Mom's friend got Terry. He tried CPR, someone called 911, and he was holding her when she took her last breath. The ambulance arrived and also tried to work on her but it was too late. We had no answers.

I don't remember how long it was before we learned that she had an anneurism in her aeorta and when it burst, she died. I'm thankful to know that she most likely didn't suffer and that it was over fast. But even to this day its hard to believe that she is gone. I am thankful for everything that she taught me and for every second of those 19 years we had together! We used to dance in the kitchen and sing songs in the kitchen at the top of our lungs. We loved to play jokes and she never missed a school play, softball game, or any other event that either I or one of my siblings were involved in. She was the Mom that all our friends just called "Mom."

There is not a day that goes by that I haven't missed sharing with her; from my wedding day to the birth of my son and every moment in between she has been thought of. And we will continue to think of her, remember her, and find ways to honor her in our daily life. She was an amazing Mother and many other things to many other people. We all miss her dearly!